i just sound like a cunt though
the only outright positive song on my personal playlist is happy happy meeting by touma amagase from idolmaster sideM. it's the origin of my dreamwidth header. being selfish and wanting pleasure and enjoying yourself isn't bad! touma-kun is a boy who loves being happy and spreading happiness to others through his own confidence. i love people like that myself. it's just like... uh... i can't say the celebrity who i'd usually mention here but i'm sure you'd know who it is.
but i noticed now that my own lack of confidence drags others down and i feel pretty bad about it. for example, i lack the confidence to share my own artwork or introduce myself to others, which is bad in a group setting where i want to encourage others to do so. if the person who is 'in charge' isn't brave enough to post his own work, why would others feel confident enough to?
even when i face it and post an introduction or share my art, i'm reclusive about it. i don't like saying too much or sounding excited in group settings, especially with people i don't know well. it's just happened too many times before that i'll gush and enthuse and get no response in return or a weak, clearly uninterested answer. i always hate how cringe i feel afterwards, so at this point i don't let myself sound as openly passionate or proud as i really am, except with my closest friends.
basically, in an effort to look so cool, i'm less cool than i want to be LOL. i wish i could inspire confidence in others. but my self-esteem is so low that i don't think i could ever even get the confidence to proudly present my own work. in the meantime, i think it's more responsible for me to not post at all.