find your identity!
i've been attending my gay therapist's queer male self-empowerment program at the HIV foundation lately. the first activity we partook in was drawing symbols to represent yourself on a piece of paper that would be weaved together with other group members'.
my output at the session was very half-assed. i dislike describing myself and felt like it would be kind of insane to talk about how i'm a victorian period gentleman while everyone else was bringing up their family or ethnicity and so on. but it really does matter to me, so i thought more about why and redrew my symbolic identity at home.
all me in a symbol sheet
- bear: teddy bears smile no matter what happens. i'm a bear and so is my best friend! when i see pictures of two bears together i get beary happy because that's us. my baby niece is also a bear.
- g-pen & eraser: i'm downright insane about art to the point where it ruins my life. i chose a g-pen because i like drawing comics in particular, but then i realized that erasers can't erase ink. my life is a comedy manga! i also work as a writer.
- train: i love 3D modelling and coding, so i'm very into efficiency and process optimization as well. trains represent this better than any other mode of transport (even though auckland's actual trains are unreliable). my usual train crosses over a bay of water, so it's beautiful during sunset.
- victorian tophat: i strive to be a victorian gentleman everyday. this of course reflects in politeness/manners (except i can't think before i speak), being open to learning, putting effort into how i dress, and being able to take care of myself (particularly in household duties). i like using a handkerchief to clean myself instead of disposable paper tissues and carrying a container for leftover food instead of taking takeout boxes. it's a reflection of an era where one was more selective with resources but also fits into my environmental values. i made up the container thing myself though.1
- 漢: this kanji means both 'man' and 'han' (as in han chinese). here i'm using it to represent one of my favorite idol songs, a man always rock'n'roll, which is also my motto in life! the most important thing about being a man is living the way you want to. that's why i can be cool and masculine but also a cute teddy bear at the same time!
- constellation: this represents my other motto in life, "knowledge that is not shared is not knowledge". this quote is found in the stardome observatory next to a hand-drawn māori star map, passed from grandfather to astronomer grandson. it strongly reflects my beliefs towards learning, media, and the internet. i work in SEO which, while very corpo and consumerslop, ultimately has the goal of increasing the accessibility of information on the internet and connecting people. i love doing the actual research, finding the truth, archiving and sorting things. freedom of press/journalism and keeping records are so important to me.
- squared circle: while similar to my other media-based interests, live pro wrestling particularly matters for me because it's the main reason i want to stay in auckland forever. i never felt connected to the city or country growing up, with no particularly close bonds i just wanted to fuck off to america. but live pro wrestling gives me real people i care to see every month; i love watching the wrestlers develop their skills and story, how exciting yet consistent the shows are, the meta of it all. i talk about fale dojo excessively but it really is a promo where being a south aucklander makes me so much more fascinated by their game.
- dog: i'm a dog. more specifically a black australian kelpie or a gray wolf, but here i've drawn the cute and tubby 3rd century chinese dog figure at the auckland museum. i'm very curious and like meeting new people but i'm just very shy about it! being poor with my facial expressions i like how dogs can express themselves so much with just their tails and ears.
developing identity today
i personally have little connection to my social identity—i'm chinese but barely speak the languages, new zealander but had a different cultural upbringing, my job isn't what i studied, insert other stuff here. i've just rarely identified myself with these terms on social media because they're not very important to me outside of not wanting people to think i'm american.
rather, i've turned to media-based identifiers—being 'an iDOLM@STER fan' or 'sabrina carpenter lover' or 'barok's husband' which isn't uncommon in online spaces—but considering i neither participate in these circles nor talk about them often, it's necessary to be able to ground myself in something else.
other online people don't necessarily have the same issue of being unable to tie themselves to social identity. it's a pretty big criticism of progressives, after all.
but being a #liberalmale i think a lot about the radicalization of men, especially cishet white men. it's upsetting to see so many younger guys lean into misogyny, and i keep wondering what can be done.
i get wanting to be proud of being a man! because i have little connection with other aspects of my social identity, being male is all i'm really proud of as well.
but the men who run pro-male movements online are so wildly misogynistic and it's a dangerous rabbit hole to fall into especially if you're socially distant. your identity becomes all about being a manly man, your interests support that (whether encouraged irl in things like sports or encouraged online by the competitive nature of male-dominated video game spaces), sometimes your family even support it due to their own upbringings.2
it's a singlemindedness that leads to hate.
i think you should have pride in being a man, but don't let it consume your whole identity.
don't let specific media be your only identity beyond being male, either. interests are fleeting and fandom communities can be toxic.
instead, think about what your interests, behavior, or favorite media say about you.
- you like streetwear? personal expression and feeling comfortable is important!
- you like fishing? it's good to be patient and know how to sustain yourself in nature.
- you like league of legends? working in a team is rewarding, isn't it?
you'll find the values you care about and form an identity of your own that you can be proud of. and if you happen to come across a positive male role model3 you care about through this path, that's even better!
so yeah this was actually a pretty good exercise to explore my identity and realize what i care about. sorry i will never doubt my gay therapist's queer male self-empowerment program again.
see also the victorian homosexual scene. yeah that one victorian gay porn novel i read was the most fucked up shit ever and i had to quit 1/3 of the way in, but the way men weren't so segregated into top/bottom based on their appearances and the way the men were allowed to be bisexual (late 20th-century revisions instead changed female characters into men) matters to me!↩
there are so many things that contribute to this that it's actually vile. fuck social media companies for prioritizing ragebait engagement for profit and fuck the US government for its shitty approach to education. this isn't even getting into the racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. that often comes hand-in-hand.↩
i mentioned suzaku akai's solo song before, and when i think about it, he really is a role model for me as a man. i love how boldly he expresses his own very traditional masculinity while never looking down on the manliness of others.↩